CRAZY GRANDMA'S APPLE CAKE
2 C sugar
3/4 C butter or shortening (I used shortening because it was already soft)
1 C strong coffee
1 1/3 C red delicious apples, finely diced
3 C flour
1 C raisins
1 C black walnuts, roughly chopped
1 TSP allspice
1 TSP nutmeg
1 TSP cinnamon
1 TSP salt
1 TSP baking powder
1 TSP baking soda
preheat oven to 350. complain about something that happened 20 years ago. get the vapors. when you've calmed down, prepare three 9 inch cake pans by first greasing with shortening, then lining the bottoms with parchment paper. if you don't know how to make a round piece of paper for the bottom of the pan it is obviously because you are catholic and therefore no good for anything but making babies. what I did was trace the pan with something sharp enough to indent it and then cut out the circle. I tried making the snowflake thing and ended up with a not even round piece of paper that was way too fucking big for the pan and i was in a hurry and too pissed off to do a good job. the tracing method seems easier and ended up with an actual round, so that is what I would suggest.
next, stay up all night crying about your hernia which will turn out to be a gall bladder problem. sift the dry goods (flour, allspice, nutmeg, cinnnnnnn, salt, soda, powder) together, and then ignore them because they are not your favorites. beat the eggs together in a small bowl. in yet another bowl use a mixer to cream the sugar/shortening. if you don't know what that means I will explain it to you in an annoyed voice in the comments section. my mixer is a hand mixer and it is really goddamn fast even on the lowest setting, so I use that for everything. add the eggs slowly, scrape down the sides of the bowl occasionally of course, don't be like your mom who is a terrible cook.
add the dry ingredients grudgingly because they are the only ones that visit you in the hospital when you have yet another heart attack. I didn't dump all the dry stuff in at once since there was a lot of it, I put it in a third at a time. finally add the coffee. at this point I used the spatula i was scraping the bowl with to stir in the raisins, apples, and nuts. actually i forgot the apples until after I divided the batter into the three pans, which is so typical of me, I'm very mean spirited and unsuccessful in life unlike my cousins. bake for about 40 minutes, toothpick test etc. we have a fucking huge oven that never gets hot enough so I used the convection setting which kind of dried out the outside but even with the apple bits hastily stirred in at an inappropriate time the cake is ok.
thanks to alton brown's baking book I'm Just Here For More Food for the instructions, since all I had was an ingredient list and my first attempt using another recipe as reference was and looked just like AN ABORTION. strangely enough AB's cake episode featured a family with ingredients for some old broad's cake but no instructions.
CREAM CHEESE ICING:
1 LB powdered sugar
1 PKG cream cheese (softened)
4 TBL butter (also softened)
1 TSP vanilla extract
BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CRAP. smear on cake or face.
granny (crazy grandma) didn't weigh anything as far as I know, she was one of those BY SIGHT bakers who got incredibly good at it from experience and some sort of compulsive disorder.